Elsie got plowed over once by somebody’s tubby mom and again by some pale jackass whose face had turned purple from the chlorine. The one time this week I managed to slip off to the gym for some dumbbell breast augmentation some lady took my sweat pants

They are on the outside and as long as I don’t train my eyes on the peripheral hubbub I’m left with a scuttling galaxy of freckles. A visual lullaby – sweet, soothing, whirling blemishes. Tonight a big henna fuzz ascended in the far quadrant of my right eye. A large blurry bug hovering to make sure I was getting sleepy, to tell me reading in such poor light was bad for my little eyes. That was nice.

Funny Stuff from Ric Barbera & Company

…our kids have blessed us with low mucosal output. They ooze the clear stuff while playing out in the winter, sure – we all do. And they’ve been into blowing/wiping their own noses from an early age; got into that late myself, being a back-horker and user of Sleevex until I was 18 when it got in the way of dating. I love blowing my nose all the time now and it was probably my circus seal …

What a douche! But as the largest douche bag on board, I thanked everyone humbly and took a seat with my back against the driver’s cockpit. It was a splintery board on a metal storage bin, comfortable as a dollhouse hassock studded with scorpions. But it was a seat and I was grateful and completely ashamed to have it.

Ever have a slice of ham that was so mind-meltingly delicious that you wanted to kill any other guy that ever looked at it? To tie it to a barber’s chair and lock it up in the basement so it would always be yours and yours alone? To tear sheets …

not to say a nursing baby is the same as an ill-mannered brat and a nursing mom is equivalent to some trollop flashing a nipple in the park. Psychologically it can be difficult for us to quickly differentiate, or at all, from the revulsion/uneasiness at noisy eating and undressed breasts to gracefully embrace it when the two are suddenly united as some beatific, Circle of Life thing right in our faces.

We skated mainly at night, ‘cause brain-freeze and frostbite is where it’s at, then let the Hand of God smooth the ice during the day shift. Between ice out back and hills of sledding snow out front, last winter kickethed the proverbial ass and all the neighborhood was covetous of our blessedness and junk.

…She wants more juice, didn’t like her cereal and wants the motherfucking cold cuts back and sticks her fist in her mouth just to show me then pulls out a handful of drool to drip on the floor. Jack wants the stapler and tells me, for the tenth time, how earthquakes are killing all the panda bears in China.

All you Conway District voters really need to listen to this man.
[