Delving further into the muck of what makes it or breaks it in children’s television we come to variety shows – programs which entertain through a combination of music, funny sketches and little vignettes in which some common childhood downer is overcome. Ever since Bozo the Clown or Howdy Doody, variety shows have been the ruling genre in kiddie TV. 

   One favorite with my kids is Hi-5 on The Discovery Channel, came across it around the time Jack began walking. Looking for downtime from slamming into tables and face-planting on hardwood floors I flipped the channels until I came across a couple guys dancing with girls in snug, candy-striped pants.  Ahhh, music and chicks in form-fitting clothes – a little something for both Jack and Dad… 

Since then Hi-5 has had a steady roll in popularity here. As Jack lost interest Elsie got hooked. More of an extroverted performer the show helps kick off her morning groove. She spins and croons along with the quintet and I watch along, mostly as an involved parent overseeing the quality of what the kids view. And I haven’t tired of checking out Jen or Carla either. Elsie claps and throws out the lyrics she knows and I wonder if Jen’s bum is a wee bit too big in certain outfits or just right no matter what because she really knows how to work that money maker. These are adult perfomers, by the way, so it’s okay if dad pervs a little, yes? 

   Skit content is great on Hi-5. The bits are fun and engaging, sometimes silly but never stupid. All have just the right flow, timing, and follow through to keep a tyke interested without missing the point. Each episode finishes with one “reading” a story while the other four act it out. There’s always a small dilemma which gets worked out and then all five hit the stage for the theme song (which changes frequently) and the show ends as jubilantly as it began.  

   In contrast to Hi-5 there’s The Doodlebops on the Disney channel. Now Disney ain’t what it used to be. Or maybe it always was what it is but has gotten less subtle. Which isn’t to say that there’s nothing good, but there’s enough flashy mediocrity to drive in the point that Disney wants kids interested long enough to see ads for Disney products so they can nag parents into shifting more income towards filling their lives with more Disney shit. The Doodlebops fulfills that mission quite nicely. It’s a dizzying, kaleidoscopic piece of crap; a multi-colored, zany framework for a few Disney commercials and not much else. 

   The first time I came across it I thought it was kinda neat. With characters in clown/fairy/elf/cuddly-alien outfits and gabby, animated objects all over the place it recalled some of my favorite Sid & Marty Krofft stuff, notably H.R. Pufnstuf. The kids haven’t shown much interest in The Doodlebops, but during “disease week” early this month I watched the show while as fevered brood napped in the living room.  I was stunned to see that it wasn’t as much a merry musical kid show as it was the rapid-fired set-ups of frantic dipshits interspersed with “live” performances of the theme song.  

   The three Doodlebops – DeeDee, Moe and Rooney – are wildly one dimensional. While the Hi-5 crew is a cheerful bunch each displays just enough emotional range, a bit down in the mouth here or befuddled over a problem there, to reassure a kid that we all go through similar issues. The Doodles may demonstrate a pout or a frown occasionally but if you blink you’ll miss it in the incessant blast of spastic buffoonery. And that really is the biggest issue with the Doodlebops. It gushes along at a demented, breakneck pace; skits fill all of 23 seconds peppered with barking, squawking furniture. Musical numbers are usually repetitions of the theme song with the trio banging their gecko fingers on pretend instruments while the action is captured by cameras tied to tire swings. If you prefer your kids with inabilities to focus on anything and enjoy watching them face-slam into glass doors then give them plenty of Doodlebops each day.   

   On the male end of things we’ve got two guys on each show.  Hi-5’s Shaun and Curtis are of the more thoughtful strain of masculinity. Even in sport segments they keep it fun and friendly, minimizing the importance of victory. Overall they just seem like a couple of good dudes who relate well to kids and you won’t think twice about having any of the Hi-5 squad babysit your children.  

   Back in Doodleburg, DeeDee’s shivering ego is stuck in idiot hell with the absent-minded spazoid, Moe, and the tinkering twit, Rooney. While Shaun and Curtis are cut on the sensitive side of maleness, Moe & Rooney are flapping, flaming, shrieking princesses. There are plenty of reasons to appreciate characters with a gay bent on kids TV, but two loud, lisping hysterics with attention deficit issues may be overkill. Throw in a cackling purple neurotic chick and the one thing this show is going to instill in your kids is this: whether you’re a girl or boy the best days in the whole wide world involve handfuls of Ritalin and a penis buffet.    

Variety shows of note –   

Sesame Street: still a paradigm of what a kids program ought to be, particularly in its perpetual embrace of multiculturalism. But it ain’t flawless – Baby Bear? What the hell is it with the showcasing of speech impediments without any attempt by the characters to overcome them? And Elmo might be endearing as all get out but after 20 years you’d think he woulda straightened out his fucking grammar by now.  

Between the Lions – This is geared towards kids who have at least begun reading. Smart and funny, with big celebrities in brief educationally goofy cameos (Dr. Ruth “Wordheimer” as a therapist with words for patients) this might be the best children’s show currently on any channel.  

The Electric Company – My all time favorite with a young Morgan Freeman and Rita Moreno, the original is a long deceased program. The current incarnation of The Electric Co. is actually pretty good as well.  But it’s just not as awesome as the original.  Check out this clip and you’ll understand that television has lost so much since it became too sensitive to let Blackula sing from a coffin full of bubbles.    

Easy Reader Goes Undead