Happy Belated Evacuation Day, btw, for all you souses who took a day of rest after annihilating yourselves in homage to our patron Naomh Padraig. 

Anyhow, it’s the 19^th and we’ve yet to eat any March bacon. I’d like to think my last review, a weeee bit unkind towards the owner of the BOTM Club, pissed somebody off who then shut off our supply. But last I checked this blog has about 40 registered users, at least 5 of which are spambots. I’ve barely got more influence on the world than a remedial theology teacher. I probably have no new bacon because we put our mail on hold while we took a family trip to Florida. Which still upsets the living crap outta me since the first two installments had arrived close to midmonth and we got back on the 10^th of this one. 

So, this is what we’ve learned so far about the Grateful Palate’s Bacon of the Month Club: They sell at least one heavenly brand of bacon and one of the nastiest slabs known to man; and their shipping schedule is all over the fucking map. 

Among the bonuses of initiation in this Bacon Club are these: a club t-shirt (scratchy cotton and not very funny), a rubber pig (which I can’t find because it’s the size of a freaking pencil eraser) and a cheap, plastic pig nose with such a flimsy cord that Frito-Lay would feel embarrassed to stick one in a box of Cracker Jacks.  What I’ve been having trouble locating among wonderful trinkets, however, is the contact info for folks who might run into “issues” with the club.  I’ve got an email address which I’ve used but nobody there wants to write back to me yet.  I’m almost starting to think my brother in law misspent over $300 on this think.

How can these things be happening? It’s a bacon club, for cryin’ out loud! It’s based entirely on a very magical meat product – everything oughta run smoothly simply via the enchanted goodwill emanating from each slab of smoky, universal love. It has to be that abomination the Club founder created; the Bacon Homunculus which has obviously upset the Gods of Brine and Wood Chips and thrown the whole club into damnation.