1. Fail to stay in tune with what your spouse finds attractive. If your wife’s friends all have husbands who drive sleek sedans and dress within 5 years of the latest fashion while you keep buying off-road accessories for a 1987 Toyota 4-Runner and wearing jean shorts on your day off…well now – good job, Bucky!  I’ll bet the missus’ vagina shrivels a little more every year.
2. Remember how the lady wearing your ring was once a young girl for who a shirtless, drunk dude slurring stuff about her body was actually kind of endearing? It isn’t any more, but that’s no reason to stop! If you start taking her out for nice dinners, getting a light buzz from the Bordeaux and telling her she’s as beautiful as ever then she’s gonna try and mount you at home! Stick to the Tao, brother! And when she goes to bed before you, make sure you barge in with your schlong out and start shouting “Any muchachas in here lookin’ for a visit from Big Papi?”
3. Buy her stuff and do it wrong. Instead of finding something tasteful like a sexy, yet refined dress or even some understated underthings from Victoria’s Secret, haul your lummox ass over to Frederick’s of Hollywood and pick out lots of garishly lacey things for her. And make sure you buy it a couple of sizes too big. Hot dog! She’ll be buying extra vibrators and considering going lesbian if she hasn’t already made an appointment to have her cooter sewn shut.
4. The Hair Makes the Man. While the rest of the male population goes in for regular haircuts, or strives for the fashionably disheveled look, you’ll have to stick by your guns – hang on to the do that’s served you so well since the 8th grade. If you’re an urban lout keep buying the Dep for that faux hawk with the bleached tips. For the rest of the country, nothing says “induhvijlist” like a mullet. Says it for about 75 million of your jackass brethren, to boot. You’re a libido-killin’ tiger now! While you’re letting that fish tail cascade down your back, why not invest in some Propecia and a bag of fur seed for the rest of your body? But be careful now, Jimbo, you don’t want Mrs. Grizzly to start drinking so heavy that she actually gives up a little tail now and then. Request that she help mousse your shoulder blades then ask if you can see if her boobs have gotten as much cellulite as her ass. You’re on the path now, Jughead; nothing but Mary Palmer and prostitutes on your sexual horizon

   These are just a few solid ways to turn your wife off sexually. But don’t forget the little things which count everyday: Suggest that her job, even if it’s taking care of house and kids, is relatively meaningless; never listen to anything that matters to her; and grab her ass a lot – in front of the kids, neighbors, co-workers and for extra measure, slam your groin against her fanny and say, “Nuuuuuuuhhhhn! ‘Membah that, baby?”

Warnings? No worries, guy – stick to my plan and everything will be just all right.       

I gonna finish this cheeshburger and, and then I'm gonna, uurrrp, put it in your can…