Not exactly, even though dedicated readers here would know it’s not out of the realm of possibilities. The other morning, my little pony-tailed cyclone dumped an entire box of Reese’s Puffs all over the kitchen floor.  While setting her up with a flattened vacuum attachment to get the little cereal balls under the fridge the nuts roasting on the stove began to burn.  That sort of pushed me from kindly showing Elsie how to fix her own mistakes to clenching my teeth and screaming in my head “Fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuck!!!! Galen, the Destroyer and all her goddamn collateral damage!”

Now, when judging mishaps or flagrant household felonies it’s important for parents to know when to take mild corrective actions (hand G a dustpan, brush and hand vacuum when she spills cereal all over the floor) and when to go full bore abusive (turn purple, tell her she’s evil and stupid then rip apart all her dolls when she squirts toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror)  Naturally I’m kidding about violent rages but, as it turns out, I now walk the new line of child abuse – my wife has informed me, in full on just-so-you-know-Frank form, that other parents had heard I sometimes yell at the kids…

The kids have ratted me out to the neighbors. And I guess yelling is the latest no-no of parental behavior; one more thing on the checklist of acts which trigger visits from Social Services. How about that?  As if trying to get your kids to behave like good little people wasn’t hard enough the current fashion of parenting keeps mandating a gentler and gentler approach to straightening your little freaks out.  Pretty soon even that ridiculously ineffective “time-out” will be verboten and every infraction your children make will necessitate nothing more than a discussion. And even those will have to be mostly positive – making sure a tiny monster understands that while it poses challenges for mommy there really isn’t anything wrong with squirting a bottle of Gorilla glue into her underwear drawer…

If you’re a parent already, or have at least been able to witness the spectacle of modern parenting in action, you’re sure to have noticed that discussing a kid’s misbehavior is a time consuming affair.  Not that talks aren’t necessary – I do feel that any day which features some particularly ugly behavior requires some discussion.  Always good to have an end of the day chit chat to figure out what the hell was going on in the kid’s brain and how she/he thinks it can get fixed.  But a tête-à-tête each and every time your precious darling goes batshit is just going to slow everyone’s life down in a very ludricous way.

My path to yelling actually entails some of this time-eating insanity.  I normally give the spawn two or three calm warnings to knock their crap off, one of which usually includes a brief talk about the problem and possible consequences.  And they’re reminded that if they choose to ignore the alerts, Dad is going to yell at them. And probably say some unpleasant stuff while he’s at it.  There are some things which the kids have been told will always circumvent the warning cycle and lead straight to yelling:  Yelling at me first (I like a good contest), willful destruction of other people’s things (throw a hammer through a garage wall, suffer some ear damage…) and punching little girls in the face (that’ll get a 70lb boy carried up a flight of stairs by the back of his jeans, tossed from the doorway onto his bed, and warned to stay in his room until dad no longer wants him dead)

What I almost wish was to take a stab at my own parents’ technique: A single warning.  Screw that up and get ready for a potentially harrowing bellow.  Continue to fuck up and expect a sweet ol’ crack in the mouth.  After that, repeated offenses of the same kind meant a shortcut straight to backhand highway.  There wasn’t a whole heck of a lot of discussions with my folks.  We did get our talking-to’s for repeated offenses and more stunning acts of destruction – How did you get that blowtorch lit in the first place?  You’re only six years old… I didn’t get hit all that often either. We just knew when we were fucking up and a little twitch of the hand was usually enough to get us settled. But I truly have no interest in bringing corporal punishment* to the table.  I just wish there were consistent ways to discipline kids and prevent further outbreaks of idiocy without constantly interrupting the day to engage them in corrective conversation.

I see how other parents shorten the disciplinary process by not doing much of anything. And their children tend to be feral little fuckers.  Again and again other kids act as reminders that A and G ain’t bad kids at all.  But being a father means always hoping they can be the best they can, and that will always be a time-consuming task no matter how you cut it. So we look for new ways to help them.  Lately it seems that parenting magazines and books are serving me better as fireplace kindling than fathering guides. Things which have worked usually come as tips from other moms and dads struggling through their own family shitstorms.

Here’s one of the most recent corrective things we’ve been doing, something I got from the parents of one of A’s hockey teammates.  It’s the old grade school style punishment of writing on the blackboard. So far it’s good for mild behavior fumbles and for reflecting on more serious transgressions later on (major freak outs still require solitary confinement for a while).

“I will always tell the truth.” Was the first one we put to use.  Honesty is still a work in progress but at least A references the writing he’s had to do and that’s a sign he’s understanding what it’s all about..

The ones I’m dying to put in action this morning are these “I will use words when I communicate” “I will not talk like a duck all the time” and “I will not be a constant retard”.  If you’ve been by the Red Frog before you might have an idea of what I’m getting at. Don’t know how well it’s going to work but I’m pretty sure his penmanship is going to improve…

*I have this blog after all.  It’s partially designed to help release parental frustration that could otherwise end up in violence.  I also like to draw pictures of the kids getting tossed to sharks or buried in anthills.

Next Up:  Father & Son Shoplifting Adventures!