Oh, hell yes, that’s what I said. And I’m in possession of such an arrestingly awesome Apple Butter Rugelach w/ cream cheese dough recipe that people I share it with are suddenly compelled to fabricate stories about how their grannies grew up in Polish ghettos. I’m tellin’ ya, they’re that good.

Put a backyard rink under trees and you’ve just signed yourself up for daily sweepings to remove twigs, leaves and stray debris.  But who’d a thunk squirrels would be taking toasty little dumps which instantly create pits in the ice? Then the little clots of seedy, rathole granola warm in …

Sluuuuuuurp!
Since I haven’t posted a thing since before Christmas it would seem my brain is spent on ideas. Luckily there are readers and chums and yoga teachers out there who’ve been kind enough to think for me and come up with topics.  Today’s first topic is Noodles. It’s 11 degrees outside …

At nine years old, it was a good thing the original, uncut British version of The Vampire Lovers wasn’t available in the states. It is more “European”, in the sense that Pitt has a naked romp with another woman. I was a sexually preoccupied teen as it was, but an earlier exposure to that girl-girl bloodsucker scene would have set me on the path for years of even greater disappointment. Instead of prancing for weeks, deflowered at fourteen, I might have stumbled around in a sour funk like a spoiled

Clearly, the tried and true M&M didn’t deserve a kick to the curb but this new treat had temporarily fuddled up my thoughts. With my eyes rolling back in my head, chanting mmuuuhhhhuhuh muuuuuhhhh after each chewy, sprinklely gnaw at ecstasy I had to shove my daughter off my lap as I became snickerdoodled into a case of gonflement phallique. It could have made for some necessarily awkward explanations

By the time I became aware of Ms. Page there was little for her to do beside nudge Lynda Carter and Farrah Fawcett down on my roster of beautiful women. She would, however always remain in the shadow of some nameless brunettes who’d been poisoned by Triffids or devoured by demon tiki poles. And even they were fated to mere backup roles behind the utter magnificence of that goddess from Forbidden Planet, Anne Francis.*

To be superfly you can’t be a private dick, you have to be a pimp and a hustler and a drug dealer. Your threads gotta have flash, dig? Your suit can be brown as long as it’s got at least six different shades in the plaid and some red and orange to give it jazz. You can wear white too, as long as we catch the yellow flash of jewelry under the blazer and your cape throws some shadow over your baby blue boots. You gotta have soul and it’s got to be divided into a kaleidescope of variegated identity. In short, you just got to have some M&M’s in you. Introspective and tortured, candy coated chocolates which burn with better intentions

and sterilizing the genre these days). The notable exceptions here are The Ramones’ Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight), also the best Xmas carol performed by a Jew, and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ Xmas Time (It Sure Doesn’t Feel Like It). Although that particular tune ranks among the crazy-long roster of Christmas downers it is poignant, honest and beautifully performed. Can’t forget The Pogues’ Fairytale of New York either. Leave it to Shane MacGowan to turn alcoholism and failure into a gleeful ballad with an indisputable Christmas feel. After those it all goes back to rock stars writing crap and pop stars re-singing starchy versions of stale classics.

There’s a bunch to rant about – the outcome of my Thanksgiving’s Day preparations, Jack’s 5th BD the weekend before (women drew on my face as I slept!!!), and it’s been a couple of months since the inception of the Cookie of the Month installment.  Been thinking about M&M Cookies, …

Then you just may be in need of the “Christmas Cross“.  Available through the American Family Association it’s sure to warm your American (and Caucasian!) neighbors’ hearts while giving pause to those pesky coloreds trying to spread their “Christianity-Love-and-Respect-For-All-Maknkind” bullshit.