Procrastinating on developing my Balinese cookery section and living in a home free from both Rubella and Autism Spectrum Disorder I’ve had the leisure to muse over a few problems with this particular publicity machine. 

   A primary issue is the correlation between vaccines and autism. There has been a large movement to connect early childhood inoculations to the onset of autism spectrum disorders. Whether it was the mercury in the bases of some vaccines or pediatricians “piggybacking” multiple vaccinations at the same time there were enough questions to push a few panic buttons.

   To date no one has been able to demonstrate a direct link between vaccination and autism. The best connection is a loose one at best – autism is often only detected/diagnosed when a child is between 18 months and 3 years old at which point the kid has already received multiple inoculations.  But that might be nothing more than a common denominator and what’s lacking is exhaustive exploration into the brief histories of children with sudden onsets of autism. Investigating what other potential toxins or hazards exist in individual households is far more time consuming than trying to focus on a sole suspect. And parents aren’t very forthcoming with their own possible roles in a child’s failing health – it’s not easy getting Mommy to admit she likes Pinot Grigio as much as she does breast feeding. Or that Billy’s folks keep forgetting to lock up the dishwasher detergent he loves to eat. Or that Dad just can’t stop punching the kids in the head when they cry… 

    It couldn’t possibly be that Jenny was a party girl and ingested enough foreign substances to fuck up her own kid, right?  Jeepers, no! It has to be vaccines which are the evil substances rife with toxins. The drugs and alcohol snarfed and guzzled at Playboy Mansion blowjob parties are merely riddled with fun.  I also wonder if anyone has done any research into whether overstuffing your tits with silicone bags has a detrimental effect on the quality of breast milk. 

   But here’s the thing: The diseases vaccinated against – stuff like polio, hepatitis, rubella, diphtheria, measles, and rubella – have all sorts of unsettling symptoms. Bone warping, organ failure, brain damage and suppression of the immune system. There have been children who have died from secondary infections acquired while suffering chicken pox. So there’s death too – a kid without protection from those plagues has increased of odds of becoming dead early in life. 

   The increasing diagnosis of autism is troubling to me. And it may be just me being a cynic who sees fads and mania in so many things.  When I was young peanut allergies were somewhat rare – I can only recall one kid who couldn’t trade for a PB&J during school lunch. These days preschools and day camps advise us not to send peanut-related snacks with Jack due to the crazy percentage of classmates with allergies. Apparently casual contact with our nut-tainted son might kill some of them.  30 years ago nobody had Attention Deficit Disorder either – we only had regular kids and a few undisciplined spazzes who wouldn’t stay seated at school.  Today ADD, or ADHD or AADHD or ADHD-1or whatever fucking version is coming next week, is more common than freckles and I’m inclined to think that some autism diagnoses are simply an extension of that. 

   It’s tough to tag toddlers with ADHD since they have unbridled energy by nature; their apparent crappy attention spans may simply be their developing brains working on absorbing information about the world in a rapid manner. When children “fail” to focus on what parents expect them to it sets off a hunt for larger issues and they’re off to the doctor for answers, 

   “He likes to play but won’t sit still when I try to have a conversation with him. That’s not normal, right? Is he autistic?”

   “Well, it’s possible that his behavior falls within the range of autistic symptoms… 

   “Oh my god. He is autistic, I knew it!” 

   And that’s it, no further exploration needed. Obsessed with the perfection of their offspring many people spot defects then seek causes beyond their control. Particularly those which remove them from responsibility in any unsatisfactory facet of their child’s development. Some parents would rather seek a cause beyond their control rather than reexamine their own roles.  You’ve got a toddler who’s in daycare, has a nanny, a babysitter, a French teacher, all the TV he can eat, and a half hour or so with Mom and/or Dad before bed. His inability to connect with people is therefore, obviously and undoubtedly, a genetic disorder!  Or damage brought on by vaccinations. 

   There’s an excess of ideas on raising kids and a lack of hands-on parenting these days. With overloading expectations on kids or having overloaded lifestyles which make parenting a scheduling conflict nobody ought to be surprised at the increase in behavioral issues among American children.  My guess is that a scary number of the diagnoses of autism involve kids who are starving for some emotional grounding and better connection to their parents. For most that just ain’t gonna happen – especially for Hollywood kids whose mom’s need to constantly criss-cross the US doing book signings and getting interviewed about their struggles to be a good mothers to autistic kids. 

   How does one distinguish between a kid with a neurological glitch crippling his social abilities and a tyke who is displaying emotional responses which seem to cut against what’s considered “normal”. Is extra shyness a disorder? Does some measure of withdrawal in the face of over-stimulating environments constitute autism? If your household was a circus of self-involved, obnoxious jackasses and your mom was a manic, loud-mouthed freak whose boobs hurt your face during cuddle sessions would it be so bad to retreat into your own head for a while? From a distance there’s no way to tell if Evan McCarthy is the victim of a tragic syndrome or just the smartest person in his hometown. 

   And that’s the problem with paying attention to anything originating in that fairyland out west. They do awful things to themselves out there – rinse their colons with coffee piped up their asses, stuff things into their lips and tits and butts and calves and pecs, remove ribs, suck out fat, re-carve their cooters, bleach their poopers – all to keep their public images as pretty as possible.  It’s inarguable that Hollywood is NOT a real place and yet they do real fucked up things out there.  Are we supposed to imagine that celebrities manage to separate their parenting efforts from the rest of their wacky dipshit behavior? 

   Celebrities seem to enjoy using their kids to keep them in the spotlight. McCarthy has gained far more exposure through her televised rants on autism than she could enjoy on Hollywood Squares or in Scary Movie 15.

Now that Jim Carrey has been dating Evan’s bozoid mom his dimming star has gotten a little rekindle. He’s gone from an annoying comic has-been to becoming an expert on neurological disorders. He even gets to write op-ed for CNN.com!  In 2006 McCarthy was doing such a bang-up job raising Evan and being more famous she treated herself to a break from motherhood, and her autism crusade, to discuss her bisexual escapades with Howard Stern. Now that her kid has been cured of autism he’ll finally be able to experience the joy of his mom talking twat-gobbling on a public broadcast. 

   The most disturbing aspect of all this is that there are everyday parents who are easily swayed by celebrities, choosing to take advice from magical dingbats like McCarthy and Carrey. Jenny is prettier than a pediatrician, Jimmy is funnier than the CDC and both characters trump wisdom and actual expertise to many folks. So there are now children not getting inoculated because their parents are heeding the warnings of these shiny, outspoken morons.  

   The family MD may say, “You need to have Abby vaccinated. You don’t really want her to get polio.”  

   “Well, we’ve heard that polio is bad. But you know that actor who destroyed Dr. Seuss and the Playboy bimbo who used to fart on TV? They say vaccines are worse so Abby doesn’t need any.” 

   Measles, while occasionally making a stateside appearance off intercontinental flights, was nearly eradicated. Now it’s popping up more, with childhood cases occurring largely among kids whose parents refused vaccines. (Probably spread from those home-school freaks coughing on People magazine at the supermarket).  Maybe when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “give birth” again in Africa they’ll bring back some polio to share with the boys and girls of Tinseltown.  Prada leg-braces will become all the rage and Abby’s mommy might score a pair of knock-off’s for her little girl’s warped femurs. 

   Regardless of all that, parents are in charge of any decisions made on their children’s behalf.  It’s their right to choose who to listen to or seek advice outside conventional wisdom. But if you happen to be someone who has Oprah as a therapist, Tom Cruise as a spiritual guide, and Jenny McCarthy for medical advice, well, would you mind keeping your spastic, infected brat at home?