My Kids: Actually Cool as Hell…

Considering how I reference and characterize my children on this site you’d think I admitting guilt for a particularly heinous, sperm-related crime.  Had I been fixed earlier, or drank even heavier, the world may never have heard about these baby-talking, squabbling, hockey playing, fingernail painting abominations…

But seriously, brothers and sisters, my brood ain’t bad in the least.  As much as I loathe apologizing for things I’ve written – including all the blog slander they suffer at my hands – I do feel the better angels of their character deserve a little shout.  It’s fun to write about what demonic pissters they can be – seems to chuckle up my audience too – but they’re far better little people than I may lead you to believe.

And here’s one reason why:  their breakfast habits.

What do your squirts eat in the morning?  Froot Loops? Toast? Well, rest assured that we eat banal crap like that too.  Part of me wants to allow the monkeys to have a little exposure to crunchy, sugar blasted flakes, puffs and circles – a post-dated retaliation for the days when my own mom slammed the brakes on Kellogg’s and General Mills’ finest sucrose bombs.* Funny thing is that we wind up tossing out many stale boxes of Corn Pops and Frosted Flakes as the kids lose interest after a bowl or two. Jacko goes on cinnamon toast benders now and then and has fits of butter-griddled onion bagels with cream cheese.  Elsie’s ruts consist mainly of not eating breakfast at all. BUT….more often than anything else the dwarfs like solid, complicated breakfasts and eclectic daybreak meals.

Today was an omelet one for the boy.  Makes them himself – a seven year old chops broccoli, dices onions, beats eggs, adds cheese and folds himself up an egg dish fit for a French sissy’s  petit dejeuner.   In the throes of a vegetable binge he also served himself up a slice of last night’s broccoli, garlic and smoked provolone stromboli.  And the monkey princess?  An Italian grinder – hold the tomatoes and onions, add extra pickles.  Perfectly capable of stacking one up on her own she decided to have me prepare it – telling me that I make ‘em way better than Subway to stoke my ambition or to prevent me from sticking a frozen waffle in her mouth.

 And that’s how it goes on any given day.  The kids want it interesting.  Pepperoni and a steaming bowl of Vietnamese “Breakfast Noodles”.  Clam Chowder and mixed berry smoothies.  BLT’s with Ovaltine** or herbal tea with Fettucine Carbonara.  At times it strikes me as an awful pain in the ass just for breakfast.  But then I take a gander at the two of them adding mint, cilantro, lime, hoisin and Rooster Sauce to their Pho Ga broth and it’s harder not to revel in the sight – to be prouder than living fuck over the coolness of it all

 

Coming Tomorrow:  Kindergarten Hockey Slut

 

*Somehow my mother’s conversion to Born-Again Christianity, which had forbidden me to listen to Led Zeppelin before I’d even heard of them,  also precipitated a violent shift in diet. Apple Jacks, Twinkies and McDonald’s were suddenly proscribed from our meals.  Fuck, as an eight year old I couldn’t give a crap for Satanic tunes – but they had just come out with Happy Meals when they were ripped from my culinary desires…

** Not the traditional malt horror that Ovaltine is noted for.  They make a hell of tasty chocolate milk powder too.  Loaded with vitamins, highly recommended.

 

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12 Hours of Unnecessary Journalism

How will you taste with wasabi?

    8 or 9 or whatever PM  it was dark, so let’s just say later than 7:30) – Onto our patio at the Matahari Terbit for some smoke then into the room for some sleep.  No TV een Ingrish at Matahari.  It’s all in Indonesian. Or Dutch.  Indonesian TV sort of blows for Yanks, can’t understand the news and the all the shows, even soap operas, have actors dressed as Rama or Visnu or Siva performing ancient Hindu stuff and singing in groups of thousands.  In the morning I awoke truly believing I’d sprouted eight extra arms and a blue elephant head.  Had no idea how get out of bed with all these new appendages.

     Breakfast and coffee.  And more coffee.  Coffee is generally fantastic around here.  I had “Harold’s Scrambled Shirred Eggs”.  Pretty much a Denver omelet, scrambled and a unneeded reminder that I don’t like my eggs in any of those forms.  More bacon & butter sandwiches righted my meal course for the morning.  Forget what Elisa had but I think it was good.  No doubt all these breakfast entries have made for thrilling reading.  So let’s turn it blue, for entertainment value – Breakfast was a howl as I threw bottles at the waitress and farted violently while E flashed her tits at children! 

   Slipped in next door at the Bumbu Bali restaurant again to see the green turtles.  There were a couple of bins where little reptiles were just hatching.  That was, um “neato”?  No, it was more than that. It was awe-inspiring to see the birth of these future giants.  They were about the size of silver dollars and all flipping away their tiny flipping parts.  Plain cool.  We picked out two of the most active and had Von Holzen fry them up for a snack.

Tomorrow:  Outbreak!!!

Bhagavan and Botulism, or Cigarettes for Breakfast

     Didn’t make it too late into the evening. After a day pregnant with flying, drinking, swimming, smoking and eating we turned it in around nine. So far everyone has been awfully nice around here. Haven’t heard any discouraging words or seen anything but smiles on people’s faces.  A few toiled through English for the sake of friendly conversations, so we broke the spine on our Balinese phrasebook. No time like now to return some cultural courtesy to our hosts. Then again now came at the end of the day which ended twenty-two hours of plane time. We gleaned about 2 words, one each, before the coma sat on our heads. 

Oct. 4

     1:00 AM – Woken up by a sweaty girlfriend trying to figure out how to get the A/C back on. Wiring and switch designations in Bali have been designed to challenge us. But no matter which switches we flicked or how often said switches seemed to change what they controlled there was no hint of life from the unit. I was lying back in bed, whimpering in humid defeat, when it hit me – that clacking noise from the closet after hitting the main room switch.  Popped up, causing audible splatters of sweat on the TV and ceiling, peeked in the closet and there was the board.  Flipped a few breakers…Kowabunga! Back to sleep with the wall unit exhaling cold air at us.

      Exhaustion is a chronic failure when we travel – there is no sleeping late. Which meant I was leaning over to smooch Elisa at 5AM when we’d been bug-eyed awake since around four; each thinking the other was still out. Got up to trip over a hatchback size cockroach on the way to the shower. Not knowing the place of vermin on the Karmic scale here, I wadded toilet paper into a catcher’s mitt, scooped the critter up gently and tossed it outside. Seemed like a fair compromise; I’d let it live but there was no way were going to be tub buddies. Free from ground-level voyeurs we  rinsed off the patina of dried sweat, arranged our stuff into drawers and over chairs then slipped out to breakfast at 6:30. 

   Little chicken sausages at the Risata were cross-sliced at the ends prior to cooking.  This mad culinary deviation resulted in terminally splayed wienies which looked like tubby beige jacks or exploded cigars.   The A.M. chow line had plenty of western standards – bacon, eggs, muffins and the like – along with Indonesian style grub. Fried rice and noodles and lots of sauce for firepower; mango, mangosteens and snakefruits. A good start to the day – a balance of luscious grease, a cigarette or two and fistfuls of fresh fruit.

    Eating then scoping out the hotel grounds.  So much shiny, tropical foliage and even stuff cooler than that, like ginger shafts sprouting red bracts like skinny, succulent pinecones. 

   And ants too! E found some outside our room.  Medium, light brown, cranky little fuckers. Maybe I shouldn’t credit her with their discovery. She must’ve stepped on or near a mound because a couple dozen jumped up and bit her up nicely. They didn’t sting like fire ants, but their nasty long jaws made a point with the simple pain of the pinch. I picked up her flip-flops when she kicked them off to jump around and slap her feet. I shook the sandals to get the rest of the bugs off, but they weren’t going anywhere. Their cruel little pinchers clamped deep into the dense neoprene soles and nylon thongs.  It took some heavy slaps of shoe against shoe to convince them to let go.

   There’s space for doubt regarding cockroaches but we’re now aware of how at least one arthropod faction feels about our presence here.

e