Here’s a call out for some desperately needed advice: does anyone have any good ideas on how to effectively terrorize children? Other people’s children, that is….

We skated mainly at night, ‘cause brain-freeze and frostbite is where it’s at, then let the Hand of God smooth the ice during the day shift. Between ice out back and hills of sledding snow out front, last winter kickethed the proverbial ass and all the neighborhood was covetous of our blessedness and junk.

I truly hate to harp on older folks; after all, time is going to rob all of us of our pleasant features and younger generations will point and wince at me soon enough. But when I see all the grannies doing aqua-aerobics in their bathing caps and blue perms all I can think is Dammit, they’re gonna make the pool smell like Cream of Mushroom soup!

But Jesus Christ, there are mornings when the doo-doo ga-ga routine sets off a blistering rage inside me. I get consumed by images of slapping him in the head, mashing his face into his Froot Loops and calling the DSS on myself…

Here’s a pair of very important infomercials from Ric Barbera. As a member of the Big Brothers of America, Ric really picked up the slack of abuse when my own father failed to launch a Ford LTD wagon over the Snake River Canyon.

Please clear children and check-signing employers from the room before playing.

and sterilizing the genre these days). The notable exceptions here are The Ramones’ Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight), also the best Xmas carol performed by a Jew, and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ Xmas Time (It Sure Doesn’t Feel Like It). Although that particular tune ranks among the crazy-long roster of Christmas downers it is poignant, honest and beautifully performed. Can’t forget The Pogues’ Fairytale of New York either. Leave it to Shane MacGowan to turn alcoholism and failure into a gleeful ballad with an indisputable Christmas feel. After those it all goes back to rock stars writing crap and pop stars re-singing starchy versions of stale classics.